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I lost

I lost the thing which is most important with my life…

Mabel

She’s the best. I love her. I lost her. I miss her. Let me crawl into my room and stop seeing stop thinking stop hearing. I want to live with only her. Nothing I can do but hide.

I love her, please don’t go…

Different people…

There are many different people in the world, each having their own thoughts, their own ways of doing things. They think separately, some having almost the same thinking, almost. They live side by side, giving their thoughts, their insights, all different. The way they live is also different, the way they hang out, the way they move. Things like hang outs are usually the norm for many people, and also the time, the time they hang out, and where usually can be connected. But in that one table, still, all think different.

Then there comes relationships, I don’t know what relationships are or are supposed to be. 2 people with different ideas, are together because of love, necessity, or etc. There will be times when those ideas don’t coincide with each other, and either one or both people will be hurt. Sometimes it’s by misunderstanding, sometimes just the plain old different perspectives. I don’t know. We try as we might to make the other understand, but we just can’t. They try as they might to make the other understand, but they just can’t. This is when people argue i think.

She would give everything for me, but I, wouldn’t. I would think of what it is, and what are the consequences in the long run. That’s who I am. I don’t know myself whether I can change that fact about me, it may be a success, it may be a failure. Try and try as I may, I go back to that same line of thought. There are things which I can’t change no matter whether she ask me to stop. I would tone it down if I deem it important. And it is, that is, cause friendship means alot to me. They keep me sane, they keep me up on my feet, they’ve been with me for so long that I don’t want to lose them.

I’m not saying that she can’t, she does all that too. She’s the best. But, you know,  I know my friends enough to know that they will always go out late. Those are the usual times I get to see them, and keep in contact. And I just can’t stop going out with them at night. If I think about it, if I stop going out with them at night, I would likely STOP going out with them, I can’t imagine a time where we went out like that in the afternoon. Try as I may to make her understand that, I couldn’t. She would you know, stop doing things if I tell her to stop or tone down. But I can’t, for somethings I just can’t stop. And I don’t understand why she would ask me to, cause I wouldn’t ask her to. Cause I know what friendship means to me, and then I just gauge the importance with how important it is to me.

I don’t know. Forget it. Typing won’t help, maybe thinking on the bed would. I’ve already hurt her so many times already, has she hurt me too? Yes, she has. But I don’t dwell on it, cause I don’t want to hurt her. See the funny predicament? Good bye.

What am I

I am nothing

I don’t understand what I did wrong. I don’t understand why you’re like that. I don’t understand any of it. I’m waiting, for a reply, for something, anything. I’m still waiting.

I was worried about you. I rejoiced when you sms’ed finally. But you were nowhere there. I asked why. But you said you’re okay. THEN WHAT? I don’t get it. So I wait. You say you care about me, and I believed you. I still believe you. But I’m confused. Why? Why are your sms’s so cold. Was it me? If it was WHAT WAS IT? ARGH! I’m going crazy, my minds whirling. I keep fucking thinking about you. I keep saying it’s my fault. I’m tired. I really am.

I still love you. I still care for you. But this one time, you’re going out of line. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to feel this way. But I can’t help feeling alone right now. *sigh* you know just a few words would cheer me up. Just seeing you smiling, no fakes, will make me happy. I don’;t even know what I’m typing right now. I don’t know what I want. I just want you to hold me. To talk to me. And tell me. What the FUCK is wrong.

Worries…

Another endless night. I stay awake through twilight. Not being able to sleep as I wonder whether she’s alright. I overthink things alot. I tend to think too much till I miss the chance to act. Should I ask, should I let her ponder alone. Will it make her annoyed if I ask. All these questions pass through me. Keeping me awake.

I wonder most of the time what I should do. I wonder whether it’ll make her happy if I do it. I made her mad once, I don’t want that to happen again. She’s already having enough trouble as it is, and I don’t want to make things worse.

I care for her alot. I love her. I miss her. I want to hold her everyday. But, I don’t have that leisure because of my overthinking. I need my own car. That way I could stay over at her house when she’s feeling down. I could visit more often without caring whether the parents need the car or not.

Another thing I think about is whether going too mAny times in a week would be bad. Parents won’t like that I think.

I wonder whether she’s alright. But I’m afraid to ask cause I don’t want to annoy her. But it might even annoy her if I don’t. Get it now why I say I overthink.

I wonder whether she’s free tomorrow. I want to see her to check whether she’s alright. Yeah, I’ll call her tomorrow. That sleepy girl I love.

Till next time. Hope I’ll be able to sleep

It’s been long, far too fucking long. New updates coming up. Stay tuned… to whoever still bloody reads my blog x)