What happened, happened.

I lost

mikalionheart — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 11:09:04 +0000

I lost the thing which is most important with my life…

Mabel

mikalionheart — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 09:05:56 +0000

She’s the best. I love her. I lost her. I miss her. Let me crawl into my room and stop seeing stop thinking stop hearing. I want to live with only her. Nothing I can do but hide.

I love her, please don’t go…

Different people…

mikalionheart — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 15:10:24 +0000

There are many different people in the world, each having their own thoughts, their own ways of doing things. They think separately, some having almost the same thinking, almost. They live side by side, giving their thoughts, their insights, all different. The way they live is also different, the way they hang out, the way they move. Things like hang outs are usually the norm for many people, and also the time, the time they hang out, and where usually can be connected. But in that one table, still, all think different.

Then there comes relationships, I don’t know what relationships are or are supposed to be. 2 people with different ideas, are together because of love, necessity, or etc. There will be times when those ideas don’t coincide with each other, and either one or both people will be hurt. Sometimes it’s by misunderstanding, sometimes just the plain old different perspectives. I don’t know. We try as we might to make the other understand, but we just can’t. They try as they might to make the other understand, but they just can’t. This is when people argue i think.

She would give everything for me, but I, wouldn’t. I would think of what it is, and what are the consequences in the long run. That’s who I am. I don’t know myself whether I can change that fact about me, it may be a success, it may be a failure. Try and try as I may, I go back to that same line of thought. There are things which I can’t change no matter whether she ask me to stop. I would tone it down if I deem it important. And it is, that is, cause friendship means alot to me. They keep me sane, they keep me up on my feet, they’ve been with me for so long that I don’t want to lose them.

I’m not saying that she can’t, she does all that too. She’s the best. But, you know, I know my friends enough to know that they will always go out late. Those are the usual times I get to see them, and keep in contact. And I just can’t stop going out with them at night. If I think about it, if I stop going out with them at night, I would likely STOP going out with them, I can’t imagine a time where we went out like that in the afternoon. Try as I may to make her understand that, I couldn’t. She would you know, stop doing things if I tell her to stop or tone down. But I can’t, for somethings I just can’t stop. And I don’t understand why she would ask me to, cause I wouldn’t ask her to. Cause I know what friendship means to me, and then I just gauge the importance with how important it is to me.

I don’t know. Forget it. Typing won’t help, maybe thinking on the bed would. I’ve already hurt her so many times already, has she hurt me too? Yes, she has. But I don’t dwell on it, cause I don’t want to hurt her. See the funny predicament? Good bye.

What am I

mikalionheart — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 19:01:46 +0000

I am nothing

…

mikalionheart — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 17:32:09 +0000

I don’t understand what I did wrong. I don’t understand why you’re like that. I don’t understand any of it. I’m waiting, for a reply, for something, anything. I’m still waiting.

I was worried about you. I rejoiced when you sms’ed finally. But you were nowhere there. I asked why. But you said you’re okay. THEN WHAT? I don’t get it. So I wait. You say you care about me, and I believed you. I still believe you. But I’m confused. Why? Why are your sms’s so cold. Was it me? If it was WHAT WAS IT? ARGH! I’m going crazy, my minds whirling. I keep fucking thinking about you. I keep saying it’s my fault. I’m tired. I really am.

I still love you. I still care for you. But this one time, you’re going out of line. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to feel this way. But I can’t help feeling alone right now. *sigh* you know just a few words would cheer me up. Just seeing you smiling, no fakes, will make me happy. I don’;t even know what I’m typing right now. I don’t know what I want. I just want you to hold me. To talk to me. And tell me. What the FUCK is wrong.

Worries…

mikalionheart — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 16:51:24 +0000

Another endless night. I stay awake through twilight. Not being able to sleep as I wonder whether she’s alright. I overthink things alot. I tend to think too much till I miss the chance to act. Should I ask, should I let her ponder alone. Will it make her annoyed if I ask. All these questions pass through me. Keeping me awake.

I wonder most of the time what I should do. I wonder whether it’ll make her happy if I do it. I made her mad once, I don’t want that to happen again. She’s already having enough trouble as it is, and I don’t want to make things worse.

I care for her alot. I love her. I miss her. I want to hold her everyday. But, I don’t have that leisure because of my overthinking. I need my own car. That way I could stay over at her house when she’s feeling down. I could visit more often without caring whether the parents need the car or not.

Another thing I think about is whether going too mAny times in a week would be bad. Parents won’t like that I think.

I wonder whether she’s alright. But I’m afraid to ask cause I don’t want to annoy her. But it might even annoy her if I don’t. Get it now why I say I overthink.

I wonder whether she’s free tomorrow. I want to see her to check whether she’s alright. Yeah, I’ll call her tomorrow. That sleepy girl I love.

Till next time. Hope I’ll be able to sleep

…

mikalionheart — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 03:22:41 +0000

It’s been long, far too fucking long. New updates coming up. Stay tuned… to whoever still bloody reads my blog x)

Dreams and thoughts..

mikalionheart — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 19:35:18 +0000

Another night where I spent hours on the bed thinking and dreaming. Unable to sleep, thrashing around, willing myself to bed… These thoughts, these dreams, they bring fear and doubt in my life. Always, asking myself, what do I want to do in the future, do I want to work like that… the answers are always blank. I’m throwing away dance, later today will probably be my last battle. I find it hard to focus, to discipline myself to dancing, and work. When I dance infront of my peers, it doesn’t feel like me. When I train, it doesn’t feel like me. When I practice, it doesn’t always feel like me. The fires in my heart has been extinguished. Why is this so… Am I just bored? Am I just living in the past? Not ready to move on? I don’t know… I don’t know many things…

I wish there was someone to talk to right now, in person. I want to let it out, to be at peace, to get advice. I want someone whom I am able to communicate with freely, without doubt, without fear…

Dreams of women in my life has always been there… a facade, a mirage of the woman in my mind. Although subconsciously I know that they are not like that. They are different, but the image in my mind distorts reality, making me feel as if they are that. . . It is sad, it is stupid, it is unreal.

I’m sitting here, in the dark, with the light of the laptop illuminating the room. Cigarette in hand I try to think of a way to solve this problem I have now, to finally get peace, so that I am able to sleep. I think of the studies, I think of the assignments. I feel that it is just another boring thing in my life. It’s the same cycle, never ending…

What motivation do I need? Do I need someone there with me? Maybe I need someone here, now, close to me, which I can dance with, train with. To show that what I do now, is real. It’s not just an image I put up to seem nice.

Owh to sleep, to sleep, this ending night, what shall I do, what shall I see, what shall I expect… Tomorrow will come, at the break of dawn, and what then? What will happen… How will I live life… I don’t know… Confusion… help…

As the cigarette slowly burns away… I sit… still unknowing, still confused… it ends as day ends… help…

Ha….haha…hah…

mikalionheart — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:24:14 +0000

There I was, walking around the complex, looking here and there, seeing familiar faces, listening to the beats. I felt good, I felt a little happy, I felt anxious, I felt the pain on my heel as the shoes started scraping my skin. I was waiting, for someone, for people, for friends. They were coming, he was coming, and I recently found out she was too. So I just waited, said ‘hi’ to the MC, watched my friends run around, watched a few practice their moves. I waited…

You should have seen it, lights were flashing, the stage was set, the music was booming their rhthemetic beats, the MC was going on, the energy was felt, the fog machine moved, people all around watching, or just staring. It was happening…

After a little while, my patience bore fruit, I got an sms, it was her. Smiling, I typed back and asked where she was. Upon receiving the reply, I walked on to the place. Damn my heel still hurts. Looking left and right, trying to find that shorty, the show started, I got caught in the wave of excitement, I just stopped, transfixed, and watched. The show was great, then I sms’ed, where was she, I’m at that place. Then I could see a bopping head, it’s funny how I knew that was her.

I met her, she was, in my eyes, beautiful, her smile, the glow, her stature. Spoke volumes about her nature that I know. I wondered there and then whether it’s alright to just love her from afar. I said hi, then he called, walking away to get away from the noise, I told him where we were. Then I went back, nervousness crept in, I didn’t know what to talk about, what to say, what to do, I just shifted left and right, looked left and right, trying to find him. I didn’t know what to do. *sigh* I still regret that…

He came a little while later, with his smile, he was good looking, tall, friendly. We chatted, and went for a little shopping. We then came back to the event, watched the show, I was at the back, being the biggest, I didn’t want to block their view. Seeing his ease in talking to her, I wondered, what they were talking about. I knew they were close already, but what WERE they talking about. So easily, it made me feel… like an outsider. I shoved that feeling aside, i’m not, their my friends, and I count him to be my close friend too. But still, my communication skills were bad.

Later during the show, he went to sit down, and she just stood there watching… I didn’t know what to do, yeah it was that bad. Was it because of people around me, was it because of the uncomfortable clothes I was wearing, or was it just because I was shy. Maybe even all three, but, all I know for sure is, I lost my chance for something. Another regret? Probably. She went to sit with him later, and I decided to walk around to ponder and shop a little. Then I sat with them. My friends girlfriend came later. Looking radiant as always, but I don’t really see the difference after her facial. Yes, I do know it’s my friends girlfriend, but credit and compliments should be given without restriction, in my opinion.

After the show, we found 2 other friends, we chatted a bit, and he and she left to somewhere, while I was still chatting with other 2. I lost track of them. I saw the time, and just sighed, oh well, time to go home and get ready, and I left. I just sent a sms, to say farewell. I felt… hollow. Thinking back I regretted that meeting, of not talking, I gotta learn slowly, how to speak.

I’m writing to you now diary, a day of regrets, of laughs, of sadness, of happiness. I write to you about the biggest impact of the day, the biggest event, the most significant. The time after is not important between you and me. You know that now don’t you. You know me more than many people, my secrets, my personality, my voice, my heart. You know it all, because indirectly you ARE me. Quit your giggling you inaminate object, less I burn you. Ahaha I’m just kidding, well till next time I write on you again.

- Jon How

Hilarity…

mikalionheart — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 12:17:35 +0000

It’s funny how I miss you. I don’t know why, it’s just funny. Owhhhh, I wonder whether I should go for it, I’m afraid still, the confidence is not there to ask. Should I just stay friends, or should I go for it, and ask. But if I ask, what would happen later. Scary ain’t it. And it’s not like I can avoid her, with dance and all. Hmmmm… what to do, what to do.